Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Weeks Without Esther

Every month, Esther goes to see her dad for a week. It involves a lot of travel (which costs a lot of money), but for a million or so reasons, it's what we do.
These weeks totally make me understand the Elizabeth Stone quote:

When my heart has traveled to a different time zone in a far-away state, my soul feels instantly deflated, darker, and less whole. I am grumpier, more tired, more sarcastic, and my sleep cycle becomes (even more of) a mess.

On the other hand, in the week before Esther goes away, I remember that she'll be gone soon, so I try to soak her in and snuggle her more.  And in the week when she gets back, I am so relieved and joyful that my heart has returned, that I revel in her presence.  (Of course, I still have to tell her to stop banging her spoon on the table, and I still have to remind her to use her words, but, I get to tell her to stop banging her spoon on the table! She's here, and she has words she can use!) In the week she's away, I think I'll be glad to sleep through the night without the weird noises from her monitor, or her crying out in the night or talking in her sleep.  But really, I miss the buzzing and the little mumbles. 

The darkness? depression? of her departure each month make it hard to do what I promised I would do: make time to take care of myself. You would think I could be more productive without my two-year-old around, but it's not true. I sleep. I zone out into my computer. I don't even sew/craft/knit more when she's gone.

I know this needs a change in attitude, a change in perspective.  I imagine that if I am intentional about doing things for me in this week, then maybe I'll begin to be a bit more ok with it. Maybe someday I'll appreciate the time, but I'm not there yet. 


  1. Thinking of you, friend. Can't imagine the difficulty of that dichotomy!

  2. *Hugs* That sucks. I'm so sorry that you have to be without that beautiful, funny little girl for even a minute, much less a week every month. But it is what it is and maybe you can do something each time that you can't do while Esther is there. Listen to old school rap (I'm sure you have a mix tape from college), watch a rated R movie, eat dinner in bed. You will never look forward to that week but you can make it more bearable. Love you!